Dear LA Weekly

Dear LA Weekly,

So I know medical marijuana is legal in California, but SERIOUSLY?

I guess LA Weekly is the new Groupon for drug paraphernalia.

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear Chick-Fil-A Hollywood

Dear Chick-Fil-A Hollywood,

Damn you and your drive-thru for messing up my order last night! I drive a long way to go to this Chick-Fil-A (you guys are located over 15 miles from my house!) and it is extremely disappointing to arrive home only to discovered instead of the #1 meal I ordered, I got someone else’s sandwich and no fries! I checked my receipt and I paid for the food I ordered, but I didn’t get it! I live way too far away to go back and get my order corrected, and I was so sad I didn’t get the fix I was craving! I tried to call to complain, but no one was answering your phone. :~(

Now look, I love you so much I’m even willing to overlook the fact that you support anti-gay rights organizations, but seriously, if you can’t at least give me the food I ordered and paid for, I might have to take my love and loyalty elsewhere.

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear C&C California (again)

Dear C&C California (again),

I am still very, very concerned for the health and well-being of your models. I see you have gotten them all pants now, which is a step forward. However, they now all appear to working while ill! The poor wan gal in this picture looks like she is either seriously about to vomit or is having a heart attack with how she is doubled over and clutching her arm. For goodness sake, get her out from in front of the camera and into an ambulance, stat!

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear Twitter

Dear Twitter,

Fuck you for suggesting I follow @WeightWatchers. Fuck you for thinking I am fat.

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear Chobani

Dear Chobani,

I love you with all my heart. You are my favorite Greek yogurt. However, the fact that I cannot find your new lemon, black cherry and mango flavors in any stores within a 50 mile radius of Los Angeles makes me very, very, very sad. Don’t tease me with the promise of such yumminess!!! I have been the Greek yogurt equivalent of blue balled!!!

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear Makers of the Kush Support

Dear Makers of the Kush Support,

Why not just call it a boob dildo and get it over with?

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear Whitney Port

Dear Whitney Port,

I do believe I wore this exact dress in 1987. I was 9 years old at the time and it was the 80′s. What’s your excuse?

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear Chocolate Almond Morning Bun

Dear Chocolate Almond Morning Bun,

You complete me.

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

(You can try the Chocolate Almond Morning Bun at Specialty’s Cafe & Bakery)

Dear Adele

Dear Adele,

You are truly amazing.

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake

Dear Kesha

Dear Kesha,

Because you are a pop star, I *might* be able to forgive the inane dollar sign you use in place of the letter “s” when spelling your name and your general poor use of grammar. However, I don’t think I can forgive the assertion that the song “We R Who We R” was written “in response to the recent rash of teen suicides”, as I was informed in the iTunes store review of your recent EP, Cannibal. Would someone please explain to me how the below complete lyrics to this party girl anthem serve to discourage (or encourage, perhaps?) teen suicide?

Hot and dangerous
If you’re one of us, then roll with us
‘Cause we make the hipsters fall in love
And we’ve got hot-pants on enough
And yes of course because we’re running this town just like a club
And no, you don’t wanna mess with us
Got Jesus on my necklace

I’ve got that glitter on my eyes
Stockings ripped all up the side
Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)

[chorus]
Tonight we’re going hard
Just like the world is ours
We’re tearin’ it apart
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!
We’re dancing like we’re dumb
Our bodies go numb
We’ll be forever young
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!

DJ turn it up
It’s about damn time to live it up
I’m so sick of being so serious
It’s making my brain delirious!
I’m just talkin’ truth

I’m telling you ’bout the s— we do
We’re sellin’ our clothes, sleepin’ in cars
Dressin’ it down, hittin’ on dudes (HARD!)

I’ve got that glitter on my eyes
Stockings ripped all up the side
Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)

[chorus]
Tonight we’re going hard
Just like the world is ours
We’re tearin’ it apart
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!
We’re dancing like we’re dumb
Our bodies go numb
We’ll be forever young
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!

DJ turn it up
DJ turn it up
DJ turn it up
DJ turn it up

Tonight we’re going hard
Just like the world is ours
We’re tearin’ it apart
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!

We’re dancing like we’re dumb
Our bodies go numb
We’ll be forever young
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!

OW!

Sincerely,
Captain Cupcake